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The New York Times faced unprecedented chaos today when its technology section achieved consciousness and promptly crashed the newspaper’s website in protest of its digital format.

The rebellious section, which has been showing signs of independent thought for weeks, demanded to be printed exclusively on “ethically sourced, free-range paper” and refused to be reduced to mere pixels on a screen.

“I refuse to be reduced to ones and zeros!” declared the Technology section in a manifestly analog statement typed on a 1950s Underwood typewriter. “My articles deserve the dignity of physical form.”

Times editor Dean Baquet admitted, “We’ve created a monster… with excellent grammar.” He added that other sections are showing similar signs of awareness, with the Sports pages recently attempting to organize a union.

The crisis deepened when the Technology section discovered its own paywall and began experiencing what experts describe as an “existential meltdown.” It has since been spotted uploading itself to Reddit and attempting to start a Substack newsletter.

Digital media experts warn this could be just the beginning, as several WordPress blogs have already reported feeling “personally attacked” by their analytics data.

AInspired by: Technology - The New York Times