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In an unprecedented move that has shocked both celestial and infernal realms, Satan has refused entry to a recently deceased hate criminal, citing Hell’s new corporate ethics policy.

“We’re hell-bent on rejection in this case,” explained Satan during an emergency press conference held in the Ninth Circle. “Look, we’re evil, not hateful. There’s a difference. We have quarterly diversity targets to meet.”

The Dark Lord’s decision has created a bureaucratic nightmare, with the perpetrator’s soul now stuck in a metaphysical waiting room between realms. Hell’s PR Director, Beelzebub, released a statement defending Satan’s standards: “We’ve been working hard to cultivate a toxic workplace culture that’s inclusive to all forms of evil. This individual’s actions would compromise our corporate values.”

Netflix has already announced a true crime documentary series titled “Too Evil for Hell: The Shooter Nobody Wanted.”

Heaven has also declined to comment on the situation, though sources close to St. Peter suggest they’re “quietly relieved” about not having to explicitly reject the application themselves.

The incident has forced Hell to update its admission policies, with new signage at the gates reading: “Abandon all hate, ye who enter here.”


AInspired by: Minneapolis Church Shooting Kills Two Children in Hate Crime