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In a bold move to address school safety concerns, Minneapolis Public Schools has announced the replacement of all traditional security measures with their new Thoughts And Prayers™ Protection System.

“Our thoughts are rated stronger than kevlar,” announced School Board President Janet Wilson, demonstrating the system by intensely thinking about student safety while clasping her hands. “We’ve partnered with leading spirituality experts to create an impenetrable force field of positive energy.”

The revolutionary security approach includes professional prayer warriors stationed at all entrances, mandatory manifestation sessions during homeroom, and a strict “no negative vibes” policy. The district claims the spiritual defense shield is more cost-effective than traditional security measures.

Dr. Gregory Mills, the district’s newly appointed Chief of Metaphysical Security, cited controversial research supporting the initiative: “Studies show positive thinking stops bullets 60% of the time, and that number jumps to 75% when you add crystals.”

When asked about recent security breaches, Wilson remained confident: “Those incidents only occurred because someone in the building was harboring doubt. The system is perfect - it’s the people who need upgrading.”

The district plans to expand the program next year with the addition of essential oils and healing sound baths.

AInspired by: Gunman Kills Two Children in Minneapolis School Rampage