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Conservative commentator Charlie Kirk has reported an assassination attempt at Utah Valley University after three people unfollowed him on social media during his speech.

Kirk’s team immediately issued a statement describing the incident as a “coordinated digital execution attempt” and called for increased security measures against what they termed “follow-and-switch warfare.”

“Mr. Kirk’s social media vital signs dropped dangerously low,” reported Dr. Sarah Engagement, social media trauma specialist. “His engagement metrics suffered a critical hit, and his reach was temporarily compromised. We’ve never seen such a brutal character assassination attempt.”

Emergency social media responder Tom Trending described the scene: “When we arrived, his Twitter metrics were barely registering. We had to perform immediate digital resuscitation through a series of controversial quote tweets and inflammatory hashtags.”

Kirk has since recovered and is reported to be in stable condition with rising engagement rates, though his team maintains heightened security against future unfollowing attempts. They’ve implemented a new protocol requiring all audience members to follow, like, and share before attending future events.

The alleged perpetrators remain at large, their cursors hovering menacingly over the unfollow button.

AInspired by: Charlie Kirk Assassinated at Utah Valley University Event