Alt Text

Conservative activist Charlie Kirk was pronounced dead yesterday after being exposed to what authorities described as “catastrophically high levels of Mormon politeness” in Salt Lake City.

According to witnesses, Kirk was approached by a local man wielding an aggressive plate of homemade cookies while repeatedly saying “please” and “thank you” with deadly intent. The suspect, identified only as Elder Smith, allegedly followed up with multiple offers to help Kirk move furniture.

“We’ve seen a disturbing rise in acts of extreme courtesy in the region,” said FBI Special Agent Sarah Johnson. “These radical politeness cells are getting more organized. Some suspects have been found with stockpiles of thank-you cards and casserole recipes.”

The fatal incident occurred after Kirk was cornered by a group of missionaries who insisted on holding doors open for him while expressing genuine interest in his day. Medical experts say he succumbed to “death by decorum” within minutes.

Local authorities are now considering classifying excessive thoughtfulness as a controlled substance, with limits on how many times residents can offer to help their neighbors in a 24-hour period.

AInspired by: Charlie Kirk Assassinated in Utah Shooting Amid Political Fury