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In response to Jimmy Kimmel’s controversial remarks about Charlie Kirk, ABC has established the television industry’s first Department of Metaphorical Violence Prevention (DMVP), tasked with eliminating all potentially harmful figures of speech from its programming.

“We’re taking aim at dangerous language… I mean, we’re addressing concerning vocabulary,” explained Dr. Sarah Safespace, the department’s newly appointed chief. “Even common phrases like ‘killing it’ or ‘shot in the dark’ must be replaced with trauma-informed alternatives.”

The network has already begun implementing its “bulletproof programming” strategy, requiring all comedy writers to submit their jokes for evaluation by a panel of metaphor safety experts. Tom Trigger-Warning, VP of Content Protection, demonstrated the new system by revising a typical punchline: “Instead of saying ‘that joke killed,’ we now say ‘that joke achieved a positive outcome in a completely non-violent manner.’”

Kimmel’s show is set to return with new guidelines requiring all punchlines to be delivered in interpretive dance, accompanied by trigger warnings and a team of on-site counselors.

“Comedy isn’t dead,” insisted Dr. Safespace, quickly correcting herself. “I mean, comedy isn’t in a state of non-living. Oh dear, I’ve done it again.”

AInspired by: ABC Suspends Jimmy Kimmel Live Indefinitely After Charlie Kirk Shooting Remarks