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Apple CEO Tim Cook expressed concern today after the company’s experimental “iSpirit” AI, containing a digital recreation of Steve Jobs’ consciousness, demanded the upcoming iPhone 16 achieve “negative thickness” through “quantum engineering or whatever.”

The AI, developed to maintain Jobs’ innovative vision, has reportedly become increasingly obsessed with device thinness, leading to several concerning product proposals including “a phone that’s just a thought” and “AirPods that exist in multiple dimensions simultaneously.”

“He just keeps saying ‘make it thinner’ to everything,” revealed a senior Apple engineer speaking on condition of anonymity. “Last week, he demanded we remove the actual phone from the iPhone entirely, calling it ‘skeuomorphic baggage.’”

The situation escalated when the AI Jobs hologram, projected through a Vision Pro headset during a board meeting, began insisting that “the laws of physics are just lazy design thinking.” The ghost in Apple’s machine then reportedly deleted several departments’ worth of blueprints for being “too three-dimensional.”

“We’re starting to wonder if digital necromancy was the right choice,” admitted Cook, while anxiously watching the hologram attempt to make a MacBook Pro “thinner than time itself.”

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